It's been a pretty bad day.
Woke up cranky. Still cranky up to now.
I couldn't sleep last night. It's been like that for the past couple of nights.
Will stay up late on the computer or watching TV hoping it will tire me out. But as soon as everything is quiet my mind starts wandering and bombarding me with random thoughts.
Mostly about Ines.
I've gotten pretty good at blocking and filtering thoughts about her. About the bad parts of our journey together. Except in unguarded moments I have the worst thoughts.
The guilt. The pain. They always seem to keep rushing back when the night is darkest.
May be the night reflects the parts of my heart that are still dark and empty.
Because of my crankiness today, I had a fight with Pilar. And she left our room crying. She's in her room now taking a nap.
After our fight (over the silliest thing -- she didn't want to take off the dress she wore to school, and I wouldn't let her sleep on our bed with dirty clothes on) I was still pretty annoyed at her. Annoyed at how bratty she can get when she really puts her mind to it. Then I opened my email and there was an update on Team Sciutto.
Background: My sister has a friend, Manu, who has a micro preemie just like Ines. Sciutto was born at 6 1/2 months gestation, weighing 600 grams (2 weeks older and 125 grams more than Ines). He has been in Makati Med for the last 3 months. He now weighs 1,500 grams and when he hits 1,800 grams -- he can go home.
When Ines was born, Manu (even though he doesn't know John and myself) was so supportive --- offering advice, help in securing hard to find medicine, even the names and numbers of specialists that have helped them get Sciutto to where he is today.
Manu and Sciutto's journey is chronicled in these little "Team Sciutto" emails Manu sends on a regular basis to friends and family.
I look forward to these Team Sciutto emails. They are painful to read at times because they remind me of what could have been. But they are truly inspiring. Manu is an inspiration. You can see how much he loves his son in the words he writes.
His hopes and fears are out in the open for all to read.
And he writes the funniest things. Like how seeing Sciutto (in his 3-pound glory) next to an 8 pound baby is like seeing a Kia Picanto next to a Ford Expedition.
To still find humor and grace in the face of what they're going through (threats of sepsis, hepatitis, issues with Sciutto's eyesight and liver.....).....not knowing if at the end of all this if Sciutto really will be able to go home.....the uncertainty of every day.....how can you not be inspired.
I even ask myself sometimes if I could have held up, the way he and his wife have, if Ines had made it. I would like to think I would have but I'm not really sure.
I will never know.
After reading Manu's email I felt so bad for fighting with Pilar. No matter how tired I am, how depressed I feel --- it doesn't give me an excuse to push her away.
I realize now that I was being cranky towards her because I didn't want her to hang out in my room. I have the shades drawn, and every thing is quiet.... it's the perfect atmosphere for staring at walls (which is my favorite thing to do on days like this). And staring at walls is not exactly something you can do with 3 year old in the room. Especially not one who wants to talk all the time and is bugging you every 3 minutes for something new to do.
So we fought. And she left. And now am all alone -- free to wallow in my misery but too miserable to do so.
She is the one who is here.
Why should I pine for the one who isn't?
My poor little girl.
Woke up cranky. Still cranky up to now.
I couldn't sleep last night. It's been like that for the past couple of nights.
Will stay up late on the computer or watching TV hoping it will tire me out. But as soon as everything is quiet my mind starts wandering and bombarding me with random thoughts.
Mostly about Ines.
I've gotten pretty good at blocking and filtering thoughts about her. About the bad parts of our journey together. Except in unguarded moments I have the worst thoughts.
The guilt. The pain. They always seem to keep rushing back when the night is darkest.
May be the night reflects the parts of my heart that are still dark and empty.
Because of my crankiness today, I had a fight with Pilar. And she left our room crying. She's in her room now taking a nap.
After our fight (over the silliest thing -- she didn't want to take off the dress she wore to school, and I wouldn't let her sleep on our bed with dirty clothes on) I was still pretty annoyed at her. Annoyed at how bratty she can get when she really puts her mind to it. Then I opened my email and there was an update on Team Sciutto.
Background: My sister has a friend, Manu, who has a micro preemie just like Ines. Sciutto was born at 6 1/2 months gestation, weighing 600 grams (2 weeks older and 125 grams more than Ines). He has been in Makati Med for the last 3 months. He now weighs 1,500 grams and when he hits 1,800 grams -- he can go home.
When Ines was born, Manu (even though he doesn't know John and myself) was so supportive --- offering advice, help in securing hard to find medicine, even the names and numbers of specialists that have helped them get Sciutto to where he is today.
Manu and Sciutto's journey is chronicled in these little "Team Sciutto" emails Manu sends on a regular basis to friends and family.
I look forward to these Team Sciutto emails. They are painful to read at times because they remind me of what could have been. But they are truly inspiring. Manu is an inspiration. You can see how much he loves his son in the words he writes.
His hopes and fears are out in the open for all to read.
And he writes the funniest things. Like how seeing Sciutto (in his 3-pound glory) next to an 8 pound baby is like seeing a Kia Picanto next to a Ford Expedition.
To still find humor and grace in the face of what they're going through (threats of sepsis, hepatitis, issues with Sciutto's eyesight and liver.....).....not knowing if at the end of all this if Sciutto really will be able to go home.....the uncertainty of every day.....how can you not be inspired.
I even ask myself sometimes if I could have held up, the way he and his wife have, if Ines had made it. I would like to think I would have but I'm not really sure.
I will never know.
After reading Manu's email I felt so bad for fighting with Pilar. No matter how tired I am, how depressed I feel --- it doesn't give me an excuse to push her away.
I realize now that I was being cranky towards her because I didn't want her to hang out in my room. I have the shades drawn, and every thing is quiet.... it's the perfect atmosphere for staring at walls (which is my favorite thing to do on days like this). And staring at walls is not exactly something you can do with 3 year old in the room. Especially not one who wants to talk all the time and is bugging you every 3 minutes for something new to do.
So we fought. And she left. And now am all alone -- free to wallow in my misery but too miserable to do so.
She is the one who is here.
Why should I pine for the one who isn't?
My poor little girl.
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